If you’re a music-minded single living in the U.K. Tastebuds.fm is OK Cupid meets Mog Music (or Spotify, the music streaming service EU loves that for some reason STILL isn’t avail stateside *grumble, grumble*). Its also part Playboy Magazine, as in, I have a profile on the site just so I can read their articles. Which is how I am able to share this latest scientific breakthrough on the sexes, courtesy the music dating start-up.
A new poll, inspired no doubt by Jesse Pinkman’s catchphrase “Science Bitches!”, sought to determine if there was any correlation between the fave artists of users and said users willingness to get down and dirty moments after the meet-cute. The site asked users how far they’d likely go on a first date and then collated the information to find out which band’s fans were the most, and least, likely to ‘do the mummy-daddy dance’ before middle names were known.
And now, let’s undress the highly scientific findings:
Nirvana: 82% Regular scruffy dudes, if you spot a girl in a Nirvana tee: play your cards right, wrong, or not at all and you can “Come As You Are” in her “Heart-Shaped Box” in no time.
Metallica: 81% Metallica fans are ALWAYS down to “Ride the Lightning”. I’m assuming they also like it heavy, fast, and clock in around 5 mins if they’re post ‘Black album’ fans (7-8 mins for the OGs).
Linkin Park: 80% I think everyone knows that Linkin Park fans aren’t the most critical when it comes what they put into their ear-holes, apparently this runs true for what they put in other holes as well.
Pink Floyd: 79% Anyone super hardcore into this band got that way concurrently with hallucinogenics. You might get lucky 3 out of 4 first dates with Floyd fans, but sex with Dark Side playing in the background and someone who may or may not be watching your face melt off is anything but comfortably numb.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: 77% Surprised this one isn’t higher on the list because this is the first band mentioned with heaps of overtly sexual lyrics and the band conducted a whole tour where their matching on-stage ensemble consisted of a gym-sock hanging off their junk. No data on whether their listeners like to “take it on the other side”.
Beatles: 76% Trying to “Come Together”? Raging “Norwegian Wood” never hurts when you’re “Fixing a Hole”. Sounds less like “All You Need is Love” than all you need is an unlimited texting plan and the forethought to send a ‘heyyyy?’ at 1 am.
Muse: 74% Art-rockers will give away all-you-can-drink free milk when there’s a “Supermassive Black Hole” betwixt their thighs…
Radiohead:74% … but when they’ve spent over a decade bootlegging “True Love Waits” they’re making you buy, or at least rent, the cow.
Kings of Leon: 73% Not the band’s fans you want if you’re looking to “Use Somebody” (with their explicit consent, of course). Also, “Sex on Fire” sounds like a bad STD.
Coldplay: 68% Seems to me their name is the first clue (they’re ‘cold’ to ‘play’). I have to assume sex with a Coldplay fan is a lot like listening to one of their songs; You’re bored, sick of everything that’s happening and have no clue how long you must continue to suffer until it’s finally over.
So, is all this just a prurient waste of time and cheap excuse to snicker at smutty puns? Maybe. I remain skeptical to the scientific accuracy for ‘representative sample’ reasons plus my own personal experience (though, fwiw, anecdote never qualifies as scientific evidence): I’m a Nirvana fan. First Date Sexual Congress? Not on your life, and for excellent reason. To quote the timeless wisdom of Cher in Clueless, “You see how picky I am about my shoes, and those only go on my feet.” But then I’m always an outlier. Always.
I do have to give the study props for one key finding: the collected data indicates conclusively that Blur fans were 20% more inclined towards first date strides of pride than their Oasis counterparts. So I guess we can finally put that age old rivalry to bed. Let the Brit-pop record reflect that science and dirty deeds have found in favor of Blur. YGIM won’t argue with that.