Apr 112011
 

If you’re a music-minded single living in the U.K. Tastebuds.fm is OK Cupid meets Mog Music (or Spotify, the music streaming service EU loves that for some reason STILL isn’t avail stateside *grumble, grumble*).  Its also part Playboy Magazine, as in, I have a profile on the site just so I can get their emails and read the articles easier. Which is how I am able to share this latest scientific breakthrough on the sexes.

A new poll conducted by the U.K. music + dating site, inspired no doubt by Jesse Pinkman’s anthemic “Science Bitches!” sought to determine if there was any correlation between the virtual record collections (read: listening habits) of its users and their willingness to get down and dirty moments after the meet-cute. The site asked users how far they’d likely go on a first date and then collated the information to find out which band’s fans were the most, and least, likely to ‘do the mummy-daddy dance’ before middle names were known.

And now, let’s undress the highly scientific findings:

Nirvana: 82%– Regular scruffy dudes, if you spot a girl in a Nirvana tee: play your cards right and you can “Come As You Are” in her “Heart-Shaped Box” in no time.

Metallica: 81%– Metallica fans are ALWAYS down to “Ride the Lightning”. I’m assuming they also like it heavy, fast, and clock in around 5 mins if they’re post ‘Black album’ fans (7-8 mins for OG fans).

Linkin Park: 80%– I think everyone knows that Linkin Park fans aren’t the most critical when it comes what they put into their ear-holes, apparently this runs true for what they put in other holes as well.

Pink Floyd: 79%– Anyone super hardcore into this band got that way concurrently with hallucinogenics. You might get lucky 3 ou of 4 first dates with Floyd fans, but sex with Dark Side playing in the background and someone who may or may not be watching your face melt off you as they .

Red Hot Chili Peppers: 77%– Surprised this one isn’t higher on the list because this is the first band mentioned with heaps of overtly sexual lyrics and the band conducted a whole tour where the entire bands on-stage ensemble consisted of a gym-sock on their junk. No data on whether their listeners like to “take it on the other side”.

Beatles: 76% – The ‘free-love’ generation is apparently too tired these days to Come Together, though they assure us All You Need is Love. Also, nothing beats some raging Norwegian Wood when you’re Fixing a Hole.

Muse: 74%– Art- rocker’s put out when they’ve got a “Supermassive Black Hole”.

Radiohead:74% – It should come as no surprise that the fan base of the group responsible for “True Love Waits” know better than to give up free milk too quickly.

Kings of Leon: 73% – Great band, unfortunately radios over-saturation of “Use Somebody” clearly resulted in more 12 year old “fans” than adult ones who actually know what that means. Also, its highly likely “Sex on Fire” makes too many people think VD to put them in the mood anyway.

Coldplay: 68%– Seems to me their name is the first clue (‘expect cold dead fish’). I’m guessing sex with a Coldplay fan is a lot like listening to one of their songs; You’re bored, sick of everything that’s happening and have no clue how long until it’s finally over.

So, is all this just a prurient waste of time and lame excuse to crack dick jokes? Maybe. I’m still skeptical cause ‘representative sample’ issues plus personal anecdotal evidence: I’m a Nirvana fan. First Date? Not on your life. But I do have to give the study props for one key finding: the collected data indicates conclusively that Blur fans were 20% more inclined towards first date walks of shame than their Oasis counterparts. So I guess we can finally put that age old rivalry to bed. Brit-pop: let your record reflect that science and good taste have found in favor of Blur. YGIM won’t argue with that.

 

 Posted by at 22:03